a-a-a-a-a-alcohol

just had 3 shots of whiskey after my mom went to bed then snuck out the back door for a cigarette.
i'm 17 again & i miss high school.

it snowed today and my friends drank and smoked without me because my car would not cooperate in this weather.
now the keyboard is too far away for me to type so goodnight i guess.

just a good fucking song

i am easy to ignore

sometimes song lyrics are so appropriate, you know?
especially when the song comes on at the exact right time and it's just so fucking serendipitous it makes you want to cry.



sometimes shit gets in the way and there's nothing you can do about it but wait.

murry chrssmus

busy spending shitloads of money on clothes right now.
bff's birthday/new years party next weekend, new tattoo after i get back to school.

this shit means something.

Our almost-instinct almost true:
What will survive of us is love.




(free to be pretentious)

the essential

RIP

this makes me really sad.



i know it's far from her (or anyone's) best movie, but everyone should watch uptown girls in memoriam.

360

wow.

i don't even care that it's incredibly ridiculously played out,
not to mention it was my favorite song when i was 14,
this is a good motherfucking song.



whatever, you know it's fucking timeless.

yeah, it was a pretty good night.

oh just shut up already.

And I want to tell her,
"Your love isn't lost,"
say "my heart is still crossed!"
scream, "hey, you're so wonderful!
What a dream in the dark
- about working so hard,
about glowing, so stoned,
trying not to turn off,
trying not to believe in that lie
all on your own."

6 days till my 19th birthday
4 days/4 finals till winter break & i get to go home;
i don't know who (which) is waiting for me there, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

for now...
music.

america can't say no

indulge me for just a moment.
i'm aware that emo is over and i apologize for my behavior.
(how many times have i said that?)
i don't mean to be a stereotype and i'm not trying to be debbie downer.

so i'm sorry.
but you guys.
this is bad.

legitimately awful things are going on right now.
and i feel that it is appropriate to feel this way.
so please just humor me.



i will be so grateful when this week is over.



but this all keeps going no matter what & no matter who and it will be okay.

you're done.

aaaaaand stop.
thanks.

you just have to make things difficult, don't you?
GOD.




boys are frustrating.

so you're finally home.

and now what?
you're excited and anxious and nervous and depressed and disappointed and comfortable and confused.



was this worth it?
was leaving the right decision?
was coming back?
how the hell are you going to make it the rest of the week?



yeah.
good question.

and we're moving on

some nights the painkillers make the pain even worse



(we spent the whole next week getting high)

on the other hand

it's like i can't possibly be myself
i can't possibly be grateful for anything & everything
which is what i ultimately strive for
until i get home from this.

maybe i just really need to do things on my own for a little while.
maybe i really need to drive alone all night in the dark.
maybe i just need a break.

and then it comes back around

if everything is circular what does that make us?



and this week?
it's okay, it's been good either way.

thanksgiving break is just 2 days away: 5 classes, 2 papers and a ride to the airport for a friend, then i'm done.

it feels like i'm a better person here, but i do miss home.

not on purpose

you might never want me but that doesn't mean that you won't get me high.

you make me feel better about stuff.

if we're being honest here.

at the back of every mind,
the secret, unrealized undertone to every thought,
every wish on every birthday candle or clock or eyelash or shooting star or dandelion;
every accidentally selfish prayer or intention.
it boils down to this sentiment:

but then again,

there is the kind of night where i'm proud to have done things i'm not proud of.

and the next day i want to tell everyone but there is no way i could explain it in my own words because no matter what it will come out wrong.

so i'm stuck being psyched for myself all in my own head.

at least someone is.

(less self-pity and more ironic self-awareness.)

the good & the bad

i don't know how to put this.

sometimes there is no image, no text, no sound to fully describe the complexity (sure) of just what the fuck are you thinking.

it feels like this but it sounds like that and in my head it looks like this.

it's sad but it's not and it's stupid but i don't know how else to feel.

and it ruins everything else and i'm just sick of thinking

about everything or anything

and it's starting to sound clichéd just like everything.

and really it is not that sad or that bad but it

seems like it sometimes. and sometimes it's just numb and sometimes i don't care.

it's whatever.

kingdom

i love it that my city has become a trend & a hipster cliché.

but people who live in portland really do love portland.

and it really is as good & as bad as it sounds.

adolescence

in a nutshell...

"because i'm sick of waking up on your floor
for the 6th or 7th night in a row
i'm lying next to you in all of my clothes,
someone stop me."

fall

black sweaters with too-long sleeves,
the hot cake house at 1am before the drunk-rush,

whiny music that sounds like cold weather,

brown leather everything
and so much pumpkin ice cream.

hello hello hello

appearance-wise...

+

+

+

my ideal spouse

+

+

+

+

notoriety

Wordstock 2009 started Thursday;
here's what i thought of Saturday:

Worth seeing:
James Ellroy

Worth buying:
- Livability by Jon Raymond
- Clown Girl by Monica Drake
- Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris (the holiday season is coming up)

Not worth listening:
Jeanette Walls

Makes the whole excursion worthwhile:
- Hipster spotting
- Powell's free books section (crazy 1970s self-help books, obscure & ancient Russian textbooks, Japanese exercise and child-raising how-to books)
- Powell's book fair & author signing
- lots and lots of cute hipster/lit geek boys.

define faith

The third planet is sure that they're being watched by an eye in the sky that can't be stopped and when you get to the promised land you're gonna shake the eye's hand.

the universe is shaped exactly like the earth; if you go straight along enough you'll end up where you were.

Господи спаси и сохрани

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

blinding sincerity

And I'll do the things that remind me of you
And I'll wash my hair in your shampoo
And I'll buy your perfume
And spray it round my room
And I'll smoke your cigarettes
So that I'm dying too

Am I sane?

silent party

Therefore I will wail and howl, I will go stripped and naked: I will make a wailing like the dragons, and mourning as the owls. (Micah 1:9)

img via bleach black

life & death 101

"I heard that my mother is dead. I wish I had time to let her die. I wish I had time to wish I had. It is because in the wild and outraged earth too soon too soon too soon. It's not that I wouldn't and will not it's that it is too soon too soon too soon.

Now it begins to say it. New Hope three miles. New Hope three miles. That's what they mean by the womb of time: the agony and the despair of spreading bones, the hard girdle in which lie the outraged entrails of events..."

- From Faulkner's As I Lay Dying

oh hell yes

unfortunuance.

when its raining in the city and it's cold but not cold enough and the sun comes out after the rain soaks the ground and the glare from the concrete is blinding. worst case scenario.

but early fall when it's just right and the clouds cover the sun enough so there's no glare and the rain sinks into the concrete and penetrates it because the air is so thick and the leaves stick all over the sidewalk and everyone is prettier in the softer light. then i love portland.

RIP

at my most

this is the most amazing thing i've ever read.
Hemingway, from The Nick Adams Stories. maybe originally from In Our Time, but don't quote me.

"Nick sat against the wall of the church where they had dragged him to be clear of the machine-gun fire in the street. Both legs stuck out awkwardly. He had been hit in the spine. His face was sweaty and dirty. The sun shone on his face. The day was very hot. Rinaldi, big-backed, his equipment sprawling, lay face downward against the wall. Nick looked straight ahead brilliantly. The pink wall of the house opposite had fallen out from the roof, and an iron bedstead hung twisted toward the street. Two Austrian dead lay in the rubble in the shade of the house. Up the street were other dead. Things were getting forward in the town. It was going well. Stretcher-bearers would be along any time now. Nick turned his head and looked down at Rinaldi. "Senta, Rinaldi, senta. You and me, we've made a separate peace." Rinaldi lay still in the sun, breathing with difficulty. "We're not patriots." Nick turned his head away, smiling sweatily. Rindaldi was a disappointing audience."

rough patches

do you ever scare yourself with the sound of your own voice in complete silence?

i should be grateful and focus on other things. like life.
i am trying.
this is not what it sounds like.

this helps:

i swear to god

this video is my fucking life up till now.

me right now

"You are pretty and nice and talented and sweet and everything good in the whole world is you." - Wilmer Valderrama; That '70s Show

thanks, serbia.

college radio

what i'm listening to:

welcome to academia.

(there's a cute music major upstairs)

via.

hey.

it's okay.

you'll be fine.

just stick it out.

you'll be alright.

you'll be fucking golden.

last night in america

"once in awhile when it's good it'll feel like it should and they're all still around and they're still safe and sound and you don't miss a thing till you cry when you're driving away in the dark"

out of love

around the corner

i watched control tonight & liked it.

i had forgotten how much i love joy division & had to download the 2-disc special ed. of Closer.

also, i would do disgusting, unspeakable things to sam riley behind closed doors, no joke.

but anyway.

this song has been stuck in my head for days:

i think that if i ever met myself, i would only be friends with me based on my itunes library.

who who whoooo

music: The Drums - Let's Go Surfing

these are kind of old buttttt whatever.

all from here.

in all seriousness,

music: White Rabbits - Percussion Gun

really, no exaggerations, if i could wear this outfit every day for the rest of my life i would.

with a gray beanie.

you really can't get any cooler.

no seriously. try.

i dare you.

impossible!

gawwwwwwwwwwwwww

i kind of feel exactly like this sometimes.

which bums me out cause, i mean, i love the suburbs.

but seriously, you guys.

sometimes it's like i'm fucking living in mcdonaldsville, walmart county, USA.

all the pretty girls go to the city for a REASON.

*** ok we don't have a walmart and there's only 1 macdonalds, but just go with it.

yes and no.

text conversation this morning:

From: me

To: T

Sent: Aug 13, 1:16 pm

Have fun, T****, i'll miss you!

From: T

To: me

Received: Aug 13, 1:27 pm

:'''''''(

From: me

To: T

Sent: Aug 13, 1:28 pm

Don't worry you're going to have so much fun and we will keep in touch!

From: T

To: me

Received: Aug 13, 1:28 pm

Hells yeah :) i love you, *****, you're awesome!

From: me

To: T

Sent: Aug 13, 1:29 pm

I love you more!

we're going to be ok, right?

right.

i tried to start packing today but had difficulties narrowing down my stuff so i packed 14 books and 21 dvd's, which may be too much.

i still need multivitamins, advil, laundry detergent, a shower caddy (i bought one but returned it), a blow-dryer and a good supply of pop tarts and coke.

i also packed some nail polish but will probably have to narrow that down, too.

SUCKVILLE, you guys.

the cone

music: The Killers - For Reasons Unknown

LET ME JUST SAY this has been the best summer ever.

literally.

of my entire life.

The circle:

A: Chief Six-Leaf

T: Sir Dimebag Hemply

J: Twitch Dub5

Me: Sitting Bowl

macdonalds, tie dye, fields, bad pop music and the best ganj this fucking rainforest has to offer.

ALL SUMMER LONGGGGGGG.

also i guess i tried to draw a bong but it really just looks like a blow dryer.

GOD i love my friends.

best

summer

ever.