change of pace

it's nice to know that our roles are somewhat reversed this time.

we're halfway through spring break and i have yet to leave the house,

thanks to the fucking stomach flu.

awesome.

but whatever.

to be perfectly honest, i really can't wait to get back to school.

it's over.

i don't mean to be a bummer.

it's done after tonight, i promise.

but today i had to do something.

something which involved, among other things...

- crying in public

- putting up with my relatives

- putting up with my relatives' crying in public

- awkward and slightly shameful conversation, during which i try desperately to avoid eye contact

and afterward...

- drinking alone in my childhood bedroom

- more crying

- listening to an all acoustic playlist i made entitled, "you are fucking pathetic"

but things that make it a little better?

- 1.5 shots of vodka + 1 shot of gin with 7up; 20 oz in 15 minutes

- adventureland on my laptop

- sneaking out for a cigarette

- cold pizza

- friends from high school who are so eager to tell me they love & miss me. probably because i haven't seen them in a year.

- seeing a former prospective's hideous new girlfriend & knowing i am 10 times better.

distractions are good and they will get me through this weekend. and life.

don't for a minute

"don't give the ghost up, just clench your fist

you should have known by now you were on my list"

"when your heart is not able

and your prayers, they're not fables"

once in a while

it will hit you like a punch in the face

and it takes a while

but give it a minute.

take a smoke break and calm down.

you will be fine.

promise.

things will be bad for a while.

really bad.

fucking miserable.

but you.

will.

be.

fine.

someone to open each and every door

The Horse's interactions this year should be very rewarding. You may find yourself highly in-demand with friends and acquaintances, and your social calendar is bound to conflict at some point with your responsibilities. As a Horse sign person, you know how to enjoy a raucous time, but in the end you are not likely to risk your true objectives. Don't let the impetuous Tiger lure you too far down the path of temptation. In your personal life, you may find yourself attending more than usual to domestic matters or family obligations, and actually enjoying it. This year should be more conducive to romance than recent years, and 2010 is an auspicious year for engagement or marriage. If you have been single or lonely, you are almost sure to find someone to feel passionate about, especially during the spring and summer months.

one way conversation

can i just be really self-involved for a minute?

so i was really mad at you last night. and this morning.

but do you understand the situation (drink!) i was in?

when i say "i don't have a roommate tonight," that doesn't mean i want to fuck you.

that means i'm drunk and alone in my room with nothing to do but cry and feel sorry for myself and anticipate next weekend and i really just want someone to talk to me and pretend to be my fucking friend for 5 minutes.

i mean whatever. it's just really pathetic when i have to play music at half volume all night so i can pretend i'm not alone before i fall asleep.

abandonment issues are very apparent when i'm drinking.

and obviously it's not your fault. you're not obligated to be my fucking life counselor every time we drink together.

but it would be nice if you could be my friend for once.

i know i'm going to hate myself for this, but can i do something really stupid right now?