horseshoes & hand grenades

when they call me by my name

sometimes i really don't know how i feel about you.
but i know that nothing has ever made me so intensely miserable as this.



and god i wish i knew what to say to make everyone (especially me) just change.

i miss you.

Egypt was saved

just won tickets.

how did i miss this?

my favorite song to drive to on a rainy day.

know we all die

open up your arms and hold on to
everything you own that owns you too,
and just let it all go.
cause we do as we please,
and that's all we can do.

Roseland 6.26

Morning Teleportation:

The Builders & The Butchers:

Portugal. The Man:

Encore:

the most wonderful time of the year

picture this and try to tell me you don't miss winter in PDX:

black tights with suede boots, a pea coat and a gray wool hat with wayfarers;

a steaming venti nonfat chai in one hand and a camel 99 in the other;

christmas lights, fog, exactly one week of snow;

cocktail parties on warm wood floors, turkey dinners, white cashmere and chanel no. 5;

grandma's house, ancient, scratchy bing crosby albums and the pioneer square christmas tree.

back when i was young

we're not patriots.

photos: i don't fucking know. check those links to the right.

sunday nights

blowin' up itunes right now; gotta get through the summer somehow.

& it's possible they might

working 2 jobs; downtown almost every night.
good summer so far?



so far.

jealous

sweet jesus i wish this was my life.

the classy people

"let's pretend this coffee is champagne."
"why would we do that?"
"well, to celebrate life,"

insomniac.

is it okay if i just stay in my room for the rest of my life?
because fuck where i'm at right now.

let me show you

i've never associated music so strongly with a specific emotion/event that it actually makes me cry.
but here we are.

this is taking too long.

life is too hard and boring.
can i just be famous for looking wasted all the time?


"GOD you look so fucking trendy right now."

problem child

i had almost forgotten how much i hate my hometown.

as much as the media (and, consequently, my own sense of nostalgia) glorifies suburban teenage life, once you come back to it, it is exponentially worse than you ever remembered.

i'm sure it was probably better in high school, when i didn't know what life was like outside of here.

but now that i'm back,

stuck here for the next 5 months, knowing that i will not be returning to the life to which i had become accustomed, the friends and the place that i loved so much all year,

now i realize how fake and boring and judgmental and miserable this whole fucking town is, and always has been.

my friends are different (or maybe that's me), and nothing ever happens here.

it's the epitome of teenage boredom, embodied in this one shitty county, just 30 minutes from the life which i will always remember as infinitely better than home, even if, in reality, it was a pretty mediocre year.

just whatever. i need to get the fuck out of hillsboro, like now.

and everyone judges me for smoking here.

what is that? is it a suburban thing or did i just not notice it in the city?

maybe it's just these stupid. fucking. highschool. brats.

i swear to dog, i will kill them all. GROW UP.

no more teachers

how to reconcile your life when you realize you had forgotten just how miserable and boring and soul-sucking your tiny suburban hometown really is:

- watch french movies all day long

- clean out your closet

- cut 6 inches off the hem of your graduation dress

- read. everything on your bookshelf.

- spray perfume you haven't worn in years

- flirt with gas station attendants.

- sneak out for a smoke with your 30 year old neighbor

- watch on demand for hours

- get a job (just kidding)

- find some vindication in the fact that half the people you hated in highschool are married/pregnant/working at a grocery store

- read every single page of fuck you very much

- spend too much time creating/refining/obsessing over the perfect summer playlist.

- make stupid lists.

gone too far

on the other hand, i greatly appreciate:

tattoos

skateboarders

people who take their hobbies seriously

wool coats

steve coogan's movies

mediocre photography

modern art

microwave taquitos

caffeine

classic art references

independent media

competent journalism

impeccable grammar

early 80s punk rock

graffiti

paris

copenhagen

amsterdam

london & liverpool

history

art galleries

the kennedys

friends' bands

the peace corps

midnight

biopics

some poetry

bookstores

camel cigarettes

facial hair

black tights

all-nighters

appropriate lyrics

irony

good drugs

music festivals

time differences

late night conversations

the unexpected

dark rooms

nostalgia

familiar tunes

water

stuffed peppers

attractive people

sunglasses

car rides

mix tapes

unnecessary philosophical tangents

shag carpet

farm animals

cover bands

fresh fruit

airports

street fairs

my life. sometimes.

clocks & eyelashes

i wish i could be a vegetarian again
i wish i was motivated
i wish i could get things done on time

"

i wish the world would work out its problems
i wish my generation would get something done
i wish i could be satisfied



i wish i didn't expect wishes to come true
i wish i didn't rely on others so much



i wish i didn't get so excited by 11:11
i wish i didn't get hungry at exactly 2am every night
i wish he would come back sooner
i wish i didn't wish for that so much




i wish i could speak a different language
i wish i could be the things i admire in others
i wish the world didn't reject what it doesn't understand



i wish i didn't get jealous so easily
i wish i wasn't so frustrated with life
i wish i could wake up before noon



i wish i could travel the world
i wish i lived by the sea
i wish i wasn't so intimidated by my own dreams
i wish something amazing would happen every day



i wish i was someone else.

ph: fuck you very much

distraction

frogs outside my window,

fuck this town; i'mma clean house.

via: idon'tfuckingremember.

(here)

and once again we do a complete 180: jump from one life to the next with no transition but an hour's car ride and some tearful goodbyes.

God only knows what the next five months are going to consist of. i guess we'll make the most of it:

sauvie, a couple road trips, some light reading (recreational, for once), sushi, movie marathons and pretty spring dresses.

it just doesn't help that everyone at home is still in school for the next month and a half, and the rest of us immediately stop speaking as soon as we all leave.

all over the world

something is going on...
this song just recently gained significant meaning in my head, like as of about 2 days ago.

i explained this to a friend this morning and subsequently heard it NINE. DIFFERENT. TIMES. on the radio driving back and forth between portland and hillsboro.
through no fault of my own; each time was entirely by coincidence.

on two separate occasions i said to whoever was in the car at that point, "i'm going to hear it again before i go home, i know it," and it fucking started playing less than 5 minutes after this sentence left my mouth. both times.



what the fuck. does this mean.
don't ask me, i'm fucking faded.

PS: WHAT THE FUCK, LALA? not cool.

never learned enough

i feel like we're all being just a bit overdramatic,
but it still makes me tear up when i think about today.

i wish we could just keep saying goodbye forever so neither of us really has to leave.
i love you too & i will miss you more than you think.
but thank you for being so sad to see me go,
& thank you for crying when i couldn't.

so to you and everyone else: i'm sorry. for whatever.
i'll see you in a few months and/or have a nice life; delete as appropriate.
go home.
goodbye.

away

so i check my horoscope at least 3 times a day.
from different sources: i get one texted to my phone at about 8 in the morning, i check cosmo every day (the magazine every new issue and the website every day) and astrology.com, which has several different variations.

people think this is stupid sometimes, or weird or cute or whatever.
but i actually take it kind of seriously.
it gives some direction to my day/week and occasionally it's just too appropriate to be a coincidence.
today for example:

"It's healthy to take a step back once in a while, and you're doing a good job of keeping perspective. You're not going to be in this living situation forever. Remember, someone with your personality will always have plenty of options."
and:
"Love is always complicated on some level, especially when loyalty is an issue. If you're just getting to know each other, you should get some clarity on expectations and standards."

fucking eerie.

2 finals down, 2 to go.
checkout friday.

victim of bad timing

fucking whatever.
it's fine, just do what you want to do.

just try to remember you'll probably never see me again.

happy holidays

almost over

ever rediscover a song that fit your life situation perfectly a couple years ago,

and all of a sudden it fits again, even more perfectly?

"i know that you would like, like to change me,

make me softer to your voice like a baby"

the closest we'll ever get

when you wake up at 7 am fully clothed, dizzy, dehydrated, nauseated and confused,

you have 12 missed calls and you can't decipher any of the texts you sent after 10 pm,

you can't find your keys, the room smells like vodka,

there's a pile of clothes on the floor you don't recognize,

the screen has mysteriously disappeared from your window,

you can't remember whether or not you talked to a public safety officer at some point,

your clothes are stained, your legs are bruised and there's mascara all over your face and pillow,

and yet you can't stop smiling to yourself all morning,

and no matter how much you think about it, you just can't bring yourself to regret anything about last night,

that is what i'm going to miss,

and that is what's going to keep me from thinking about how much i'm going to miss it.

it happens

see the thing is,

when you feel shitty i feel shitty.

so fucking man up and listen and remember what's good:

chain smoking on the curb and overcrowded apartments and cheap beer and 3-speaker systems in the bathroom and that acrid smoke that fills the whole room till you can barely breathe.

and us.

you and me, we're practically begging to get caught.

it doesn't have to make sense, it's just what i'd like to remember this by.

tonight

one teen-movie-worthy weekend includes the following:

2 cute & funny (and 2 not so cute) underage boys

smoking a blunt at the playground with said boys

hotboxing the bathroom with 2 cute & funny, appropriately aged boys

cheap, convenient store malt liquor

voodoo donuts

king's cup

$35 of captain morgan

1 south korean exchange student

multiple beer runs

camels for $3.75 a pack

2am texts

ativan & buspar

free groceries & laundry

homemade spaghetti and cheap wine

and more weed.

change of pace

it's nice to know that our roles are somewhat reversed this time.

we're halfway through spring break and i have yet to leave the house,

thanks to the fucking stomach flu.

awesome.

but whatever.

to be perfectly honest, i really can't wait to get back to school.

it's over.

i don't mean to be a bummer.

it's done after tonight, i promise.

but today i had to do something.

something which involved, among other things...

- crying in public

- putting up with my relatives

- putting up with my relatives' crying in public

- awkward and slightly shameful conversation, during which i try desperately to avoid eye contact

and afterward...

- drinking alone in my childhood bedroom

- more crying

- listening to an all acoustic playlist i made entitled, "you are fucking pathetic"

but things that make it a little better?

- 1.5 shots of vodka + 1 shot of gin with 7up; 20 oz in 15 minutes

- adventureland on my laptop

- sneaking out for a cigarette

- cold pizza

- friends from high school who are so eager to tell me they love & miss me. probably because i haven't seen them in a year.

- seeing a former prospective's hideous new girlfriend & knowing i am 10 times better.

distractions are good and they will get me through this weekend. and life.

don't for a minute

"don't give the ghost up, just clench your fist

you should have known by now you were on my list"

"when your heart is not able

and your prayers, they're not fables"

once in a while

it will hit you like a punch in the face

and it takes a while

but give it a minute.

take a smoke break and calm down.

you will be fine.

promise.

things will be bad for a while.

really bad.

fucking miserable.

but you.

will.

be.

fine.

someone to open each and every door

The Horse's interactions this year should be very rewarding. You may find yourself highly in-demand with friends and acquaintances, and your social calendar is bound to conflict at some point with your responsibilities. As a Horse sign person, you know how to enjoy a raucous time, but in the end you are not likely to risk your true objectives. Don't let the impetuous Tiger lure you too far down the path of temptation. In your personal life, you may find yourself attending more than usual to domestic matters or family obligations, and actually enjoying it. This year should be more conducive to romance than recent years, and 2010 is an auspicious year for engagement or marriage. If you have been single or lonely, you are almost sure to find someone to feel passionate about, especially during the spring and summer months.

one way conversation

can i just be really self-involved for a minute?

so i was really mad at you last night. and this morning.

but do you understand the situation (drink!) i was in?

when i say "i don't have a roommate tonight," that doesn't mean i want to fuck you.

that means i'm drunk and alone in my room with nothing to do but cry and feel sorry for myself and anticipate next weekend and i really just want someone to talk to me and pretend to be my fucking friend for 5 minutes.

i mean whatever. it's just really pathetic when i have to play music at half volume all night so i can pretend i'm not alone before i fall asleep.

abandonment issues are very apparent when i'm drinking.

and obviously it's not your fault. you're not obligated to be my fucking life counselor every time we drink together.

but it would be nice if you could be my friend for once.

i know i'm going to hate myself for this, but can i do something really stupid right now?

great to greatest

pros: i have groceries, i have money, i have cigarettes, i have girlscout cookies, i have no roommate for the weekend, i have half a monster left from breakfast and i have a cute boy with drugs laying on my floor right now.
midterms are over and i just found out hockey are from portland.

cons: got written up for having boys over after curfew, missed out on the opportunity for a fucking epic 3way. did not, however, miss out on the morning beer vomit.
mystery bruises all over my back, beer splash on the ceiling, hella bottles hidden in the closet. and my tights ripped.

but really honestly this has been the best weekend in a very long time.
and it's not even half over.

you don't even know, dude.

recipe for the perfect thursday:

skip 2 classes

hit up the mall with a couple black chicks

5 finger discount at forever 21 + $25 pacsun gift card

hummus and baguette for dinner

bum several cigarettes off several different people

finish psych homework in 15 minutes

convince yourself both midterms tomorrow will be easy as shit

sex trafficking lyceum = 20 pts extra credit

roommate gone for the weekend

3 monsters

clean laundry

clean dorm

payday on monday

guaranteed alcohol & ayo for the next 3 days

and finally... finding the last marshmallow in the lucky charms.

great day. and this stupid week is almost over.

one guess.

direct quotes

"so in the downstairs bathroom, the toilet has blue water, so when you pee it turns this beautiful turquoise color...slash teal, i don't know. it's so pretty! just sitting there. and i didn't want to flush it, because then it's gone...forever."

"it's scary how well asher roth knows our lives."

yep. living the concordia dream, y'all.

two for tuesday

5:24 pm

"hey we're going to play pool in the SEAC come up here"

5:26 pm

"uh why?"

5:29 pm

"i dunno dude just bored and stoned. story of my life."

& currently watching step brothers on a blanket on the floor by candlelight, still high with hot cocoa and cafeteria food.

drunken words

or sober thoughts?

"you and cigarettes are the only consistencies in my life"

laundry + cocoa + valentine's chocolates + the marijuana-logues = pretty good saturday. so far.

sorry this is all over the place. whatever.

things i have learned in college

1. how to ration cigarettes when you and all your smoker friends are broke.

2. the same thing, with weed.

3. when it comes to thirsty thursday (and friday and saturday... and the rest of the week), $2.50 goes a long way.

4. random hookups in high school make you a slut. random hookups in college make you everyone's best friend.

5. long distance relationships don't mean shit. to the people in the relationship or anyone else.

6. short skirts generally lead to free alcohol.

7. bring hot friends to parties.

8. convenience store clerks around campus could care less if you're 21.

9. the amount of church kids who will still talk to you by the end of the semester is directly proportionate to the number of times you've stumbled into the building drunk at 3am.

10. always, always hit on public safety. and drug dealers.

"this is just like high school, only we live here and instead of parents we have RA's"

with my glock out

the constant search for acclamation

best weekend ever?
possibly.
total score: approx. 15 bowls, 3 oxycodone, 2 vicodin, 2 shots of whiskey, 3 of 100 proof vodka, 1.5 packs of cigarettes, .5 tank of gas

we built this city

it's 1:19, class at 11 tomorrow and i am 3 bowls and 1 smirnoff into this essay.
it's going to be a long week.


it's okay though because this weekend we'll pretend it's summer.
drive out to the island and toke up on the beach,
listening to nothing but shwayze, sublime and less than jake.

fuck this campus; we need sand, water and the island cove cafe.

in summation,

it's like i'm constantly trying to explain myself.
maybe because i drink too much and smoke too much and sleep in too late.
maybe i dress like a delinquent and swear like a sailor.
and just maybe i've fucked one too many people or blown one too many lines.

but i'm young and i have fun and i don't give a fuck.
and that is what life (college? youth?) is really about.

requiem in d minor

this is my life, i guess.
aka, driving through a rainstorm on the freeway at 2am with a 6 pack of four loko, half a gram of coke and an underage alcoholic.

mirabelle buttersfield

this movie never fails in making me happy:

revelations

i think secretly we all just really want to be cory kennedy.
or is that just me?

the future

starring...

college